CryingAngel06

cryingangel06 @ 2005-08-28T22:33:00

2005-08-29T02:33:41Z

New Journal, Butterflykizz06, see you there.

This week was okay

2005-03-12T00:42:18Z

This week was good I guess. Sunday was Brad's 2nd Birthday, even tho his real birthday was march 1st. I had to work during his party. I was kinda pissed at my sister for that. But oh well life goes on. I went at the end and it was boring and I really don't like bryans side of the family cause all the do is swear 24-7 even near little kids. But oh well. Monday was alright. Tuesday I didn't have counsling or band front. Wensday was alright. I worked, I also worked Thursday. It was alright. I really like this guy at my work. He has a gf but I never see them together and he always stares at me and picks on me. I like him, but I just have this feeling it will be like all the other guys I liked.....it will never work. :( Alot of my friends have bf's or atleast have someone that wants to be with them. I don't. I want someone that wants to be near me and loves me for me. I just feel it isn't going to happen. I'm really pissed off at some of my friends. Becky texted me and told me she wanted to hang out this morning and I got ready and she never came over. I hate that, she always does that, its like i am good for a moment untill something better comes up. She wants me to go to her fashion show and I am not going because I want her to know how it feels when she blows me off. I was suppose to go out with mandy but the movie we wanted to see wasn't in???? it just came out, my mom said they do that if it doesn't do good. I thought it would be good, but I guess not. I was kinda upset today cause that car I was suppose to get from my moms friend asked for 2000 dollars and that is WAY to much for a 11 year old car with 185,000 miles. Mom said we are going car shopping tomorrow. I just want a car really bad. I just want to be able to go out when I want. I am so sick and tired of having people cart my ass everywhere. I am 17. I want to be able to go stuff on my own. Im really sick of stuff right now. I don't wanna talk anymore.

Info

2005-03-06T02:37:00Z

Yesterday I was so excited about last night. I wanted to hang out with friends and just party. Well Becky picked me up and on the way over she told me a lot of shit. First off she told me that he still talks about me, also a couple weeks ago my parents went to his work (not to see him). They just went to look at washers and dryers because we were going to my aunts sears an hour away. But anyways he said that my parents saw him and he saw them and that they were in an asile and my parents blocked his way and they wouldn't move...... first off my mom didn't see him, my dad did, and my parents said he came no where near them. Then he said since I have the pfa against him and he can't go to my work, my parents shouldn't go to his work.....????....What a DICK. Also he is with this girl named Crystal. Becky said she is really ugly. Also he cheated on her! He told his best friend and becky was listening. It was with the girl that works at sheets and that was the girl he went to see and she put her "head" on his lap and he was "uncomfortable", bullshit he fucking cheated on me! God I was so dumb! I mean it was all right there in front of me and I didn't see anything!!!!!! I wish I could just beat the shit out of something. I started crying last night which was odd. I just keep thinking I am going to be alone forever. I want to grow up and get married some day, but people don't even ask me for my phone number, they look but don't ask...... :(. I hope I find someone some day.

cryingangel06 @ 2005-02-26T15:40:00

2005-02-26T20:53:51Z

Haven't written in a while. Well actually I did the other day but it wouldn't post it so I was like yeah. Yesterday we had a two hour delay. I wanted to have NO school, but yeah. I came home from school and mom and dad got pizza. They went to the mall and I watched some funny movie. Im talking to some of my old friends now, which kinda made me happy. I didn't realize they missed me. Last night my parents did the dishwasher and it was interesting. I went to be early cause I had to work this morning. I went to work at 11. When I was at work I kinda realized something. I sat there and looked at the date and was like, that date looks like it is something important. I looked and kept thinking and thinking. Finally I got it, its crustballs birthday today. I was like ha thats funny, I couldn't even remember it. Finally work was done. I was talking to this guy, he is was pretty cute. I keep thinking about the summer. I wonder what I am going to do. Last summer I was with someone all the time. Now I have no one. I have to find something to do this summer. I know I will have band camp in august. But yeah. All my friends have boyfriends or atleast someone that likes them. I guess I am not good in that department. Oh well. I keep thinking I am never going to have another boyfriend. I kinda want one. I feel I am to ugly, I have to do something about it. I just feel I am never going to have someone love me like that, actually I never had someone love me like that, there was this one guy that really liked me at work and I pushed him away because I just wanted crustball, I wish I could go back in the past and just change everything. I don't want the memories anymore. It sucks, I think about what he is doing all the time. Gr I hate it.

life is good

2005-02-18T03:32:34Z

Well this week went by fast. Monday- boring Tuesday- got out of school early, went to see Dr. Daniel, she said I look a lot better, but I need to work on my self esteem ::rolleyes:: Yeah like that will ever happen, mom says with that attitude it wont happen, sorry but building your self esteem is really hard, espically in my eyes. After that I went to see Jenny, we talked about all sorts of things, we talked about my sister and her moving out, and then we talked about the hospital and how that was, we talked about mom and dad, we talked about work, oh and we talked about crustball. It was a lot but yeah, she said to me tho, "you know ashley, this is the first time here, when you talked about alex, you didn't cry". I felt like i kinda acheived something. I mean yeah i think about him sometimes, but i don't really miss him. I miss having a boyfriend, but then again I don't. When I went out with him, i gave up a lot, my friends, my family, school. I just focused on him. And I think that was what my problem was. I focused on him instead of other things. HE wasn't the center of my life. I didn't see that then, but I see it know. If this were me 4 months ago, i wouldn't have thought i made it this far. I would think I would be dead, I was really serious on killing myself. But I am glad my mom found that out. I mean i think she wishes I would have talked to her about it instead of her reading it on the internet. I can't believe how depressed I was. I mean over him! So many people come up to me and are like, you are so better without him, you are so pretty you diserve better, I know they are probably just saying that to make me feel better, but it does, it does give a boost of confidence. They might just think its nothing, but it means something to me. I hear about him and how immature he is. I mean I never saw it when we were going out, well sometimes i would get embarassed to be around him because he would do stupid stuff. I mean it was to the point were sometimes I just wanted to call my dad and have him take me home. Life isn't that bad when you stop and think about it. I have so many things to look forward to. I am sooooooooooooooooo glad I didn't waste it on him. I loved him yes, I loved him alot, but he didn't love me back the way I wanted him to. Girls get all caught up in it, and really love the guy, but they are just there, they just say they love you so they get laid. Its true. Alex even said that to me. I mean I think about it. Its mean, but thats just how guys are. Thats why I don't want a boyfriend, well atleast right now. That special someone will come one day. And he will treat me so much better, the way I diserve to be treated. Yeah so that was tuesday lol. Wensday, wasn't a good day. Woke up groggy. Took it out on friends, I hate that, you really don't mean it, but it just comes out. I made this big scene in class, and I was so embarrased. I felt like an total idiot. I mean i just don't want people to think I am crying for a different reason. I had a bad day, everyone has them. So yeah that was wensday. Today was good. Woke up better then yesterday. But today was tiring, I had tests all day. Which really sucked. But got to talk to friends, laugh and all that good stuff. I went to the eye doctor. My eyes hurt so bad, and my head would not stop shaking when he got near me. I felt like an idiot, but I just shake alot. Oh well. So mom was sick, but she feels better which is a plus. Sherry came over, which is kinda out of the blue. Had dinner, and then dad and I played games. I can never get enough of that game. Sigh. Mom and dad are sleeping now. I am going to sleep in tomorrow. Have a nice day. I get to baby sit Saturday. Should be fun. Brings back memories. Good and bad ones. But yeah, i just kinda forget about them and move onto something else.

Fun Fun

2005-02-13T01:30:43Z

This week was good. School was boring, but 5-6 are fun fun with Mandy. Yesterday Mandy and I went to see the boogyman. Creeeeeeeeeeeepy. I had chills the entire movie. My mom got me a purse. I don't know what the name of it is, but it is DB. This morning I woke up to hearing my parents talking. My dad stayed home sick cause he didn't feel well. We had breakfast, and then we had to get ready for the wedding. My aunts 7th wedding. Will she ever find a guy and stick with him. :rolleyes: Anyways, so we went to the crappy wedding, it was so cold in the church and then the party room was the size of my bedroom! So after that was over. I went to the mall with amber. I was starving when I got there so we went to get something to eat. Well we were going up the esculator(however it is spelled) and she screams and turns my head and pushes me towards chickfal. I was like what the hell is happening. She was like I saw Alex's ugly face and I didn't want you to see it. I was like omg, I thought like someone really bad was there. She said he saw her, but I don't know if he saw me. I didn't look at him. We just sat very far away. lol we were busting on him. So after that fun scene. We walked around and I got these really cute sandles and a cute black shirt. I can't wait to try and walk in these things. I can see me flying flat on my face. hehe. I got cigs, thank god. Then I came home, mom and dad were talking about something, oh and I don't work yet. Which sucks monkey balls. Next week, hopefully. Well i am mega tired, and I have nothing to do tomorrow, thought u would like to know that. hehe. I am weird. I am knonw as the most judgemental person EVER!! WOOT WOOT

Since you've been gone

2005-02-10T20:43:03Z

"Since You've Been Gone"

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

Whats going on

2005-02-06T16:31:00Z

Last week was pretty good. I really like my classes, espically 5-6 cause I am with Mandy, we have lots of fun. Thursday my friend Heather came up to me and said that she was working the night before that, and she works at Arby's, and said that ex came in. He asked her if she still talks to me and she was like i see her sometimes but I don't have any classes with her. And then had the fucking nerve to ask if I was still mad at him!!!! What the fuck is with him. I think he thinks my parents got the PFA without my decision, and that I still care about him or what not, I still think about him, but whenever I think about what he did to me it makes me so pissed off. Everyone was like you guys should be friends and then maybe later in life you guys will go back out?!?!! I don't fucking want that. Not after what he did to me, no one deserves to be treated like that. Oh well, outta sight outta mind. Last friday mandy and I went to the mall, I was nervous, because people said that he is always there with that girl and I just don't know what I would have done. But we didn't see him, thank god. Mandy and I got tounge rings. I didn't think it would be that thick but it was. I had to gage my ears, it hurt at first, but the next day they were fine. My mom looked at them and was like what the heck is that, and I was like an earring. She was like oh. After we got the tounge rings we got something to eat, I really wasn't hungry, but I love tuna fish and pickles! Then we went to pacsun and she got earrings, we tired to take the tounge rings back but they wouldn't. Mandy got more earrings and then we sat on the bench trying to put the earrings in. Then we went to the Deb and she got a purse. Then we went to Aeropostal and I got two shirts. Then I had to get prezels (how ever it is spelled) for mom and dad. Then her dad came and got us and I went home. Both parents were sleeping. I was like okay? Then yesterday I woke up and made breakfast for me and mom. Then I watched tv, and then dad came home and we had tacos for dinner YUM. After that mom, nicole, apie, and tara went to a club at like 9:00. Dad and I played Resident Evil 4. I love playing games with him. Then it was 11 and he was tired. I went to bed. I slept in till 11. It was nice. Found out that mom didn't get home till like 1. I can't wait till I am older and can go out whenever I want.

Updating!

2005-01-27T22:03:09Z

Well I haven't written in like forever. During Christmas vacation I totally went depressed. I sat around not talking, or eating. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I felt horrible. There was so much on my mind I didn't know what to do. I cried all the time. I told mom that I wanted to kill myself. Thats when they took me to Kids Peace Hospital. I was scared. When I got there I had to wear all red cause I was a danger to myself. I cried a lot. I couldn't talk to anyone. I just sat there and dwelled on things. I finally told my parents. I told my parents what Alex did to me. I never told anyone. I kept it all to myself. I consumed it and it ate away at me. I told my parents about the abuse. The mentally abuse, how he told me I was fat and that i was an emotional girl that no one could deal with. It hurts when someone you love tells you that no one will ever deal with me or my problems. The phsyical abuse.......how he hit me......the throwing......the slamming doors and shattering glass....... I don't know how I dealt with it. Espically the sexual abuse. How he made me lay there. I was so afraid to tell anyone. Cause he told me if I did he would burn down my house while my family and pets were in it. What he did to me was more then wrong. And he knows it. He even told me that I don't deserve to be treated like that. But he still did it over and over......I thought when he said sorry and I love you and I will never do it again would work.....guess it didn't. I am a better person without him. I hate him for what he did to me. I wish he would get a taste of what I had to deal with for the past 3 months. Holding all that in. I was just so scared he would come and hurt me, he told me he would. He wouldn't leave me alone. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him but he wouldn't just leave me the hell alone. I don't want ANYTHING to do with him. SO you know what I did? I got a PFA, that means if he talks to me or does anything to me, he will be put in jail. I am determind to be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better. And so far I am getting there. I have my lovely friends that care about me.

Today was good and bad.

2004-12-19T03:57:55Z

Well I woke up this morning in a grogy mood. I went down stairs and got ready to get my nails done. We went to boscovs and she did our nails. I got a french manicure. Its so awesome. After that we went to giant to get my schedual. I work all week. Go figure. We went for breakfast, yum. Then we came back to the house and I took a shower. I got ready to go to the mall. I was also going with val. She drove me nuts. He loud mouth would not shut up. We came back home and she was so loud and was trying to dance and I was like eh no. Also I put make up on her eyes and she kinda looks chineese. Oh well. When she was all done we went to Sams Bfs party. It was boring. Sams bf (matt) was okay looking. I have seen better. He had a friend there name Ashley, she seemed like a snob, and a fat dude there that was but ugly. We went to see Blade Trinity. It was pretty good. But val would not shut up! She talked through out the entire movie. I was like val shut up, but she has that annoying loud voice that drives me nuts. I thought Matt was going to kill her. I know I wanted to. After the movie we went back to his house and my dad picked me up,but when we were at Matts house Val called me fat. I freaked out I was like yeah well your no skin and bones either, if you wanna be a bitch I'll be a bitch. We came back to my house and she asmued she was sleeping over. I said no I don't want someone that called me fat sleeping over. I can't believe she had the nerve to say that. I hate to break it to her, but there was a bunch of guys and they were all saying hey hey to me. So somethings obvisily not looking right on her. But yeah I am not talking to her. She said she didn't call me fat, I was like yes you did, you said you didn't want me to sit on your lap cause I would crush you. Thats calling me fat. Sorry I have done with enough people making fun of me in my life. I am not going to hang on to someone else who wants to be like that. Alex used to tell me I was fat all the time, it hurts! Whatever. I live on. But tonight has made me realize something, that other guys are interested in me. That other guys like the way I look. I mean I am losing weight, but still they like it too. I hope I can find someone who wants to really be with me. Sigh, I hope one day, I can have more memories with someone else.

Starting a new journal

2004-12-18T04:00:42Z

I started a new journal. I really don't know why. Maybe it is because I don't want certain people to read what I say. I really don't have much to say. I am kinda tired. So yeah.